This Blog Is Going Terribly...

So I'll cut the lies, because I probably won't post often at all once school starts.  Oh stop it, this hurts me more than it hurts you (not really).

So what happened since last Friday...?  Oh yes, the tree chopping fiasco of Saturday morn.

I suppose I'll start from the beginning.  Russell Melland is a wonderful guy in the U3 singles ward.  One day at work, Russell gets friendly with a client who shares her woeful tales of mid-summer yard care in southern Arizona, and he gets to thinking, "Yard work is tough on a adult female, but it's no problem for young 20 year old guys right!?"

Wrong.

Then Russell starts rounding up a crew to help out this nice lady and I am just as eager to help out as a dog who sees a leash in hand.  So I offer my services in exchange for a carpool to this woman's dwelling place.  Along the way, we discuss the vague details Russell had been given concerning the type of assistance we would be giving.  As I understood it, there was a tree to be removed, probably no larger than an old sapling, maybe some hedges to trim, grass to mow, and possibly some cows to milk or sheep to shear.  You know? the basics of homeownership...

And then we pull up to the place.

Not only is all of the landscaping in the style of southwest desert (i.e. rock everywhere, extremely low maintanence), but the "sapling" was a 40 foot behemoth whose leaves seemed to emit audible laughter at us when the breeze blew.  Not surprised, and with unshaken constitution, I retrieved approximately 3.57 dynamite sticks from my backpack, placed the charges at the base of the tree, recited the twelve points of the scout law like a good eagle scout (making sure to mention the motto, something about being prepared if I remember), and then I huffed, and I puffed, and I BLEW THAT TREE UP!!!

Okay you win, the last half of that paragraph was complete and utter absurdity.  However, the fact remains that we had this 40 foot tree to tackle with a ladder, rope, and 16-inch chainsaw.  So I set up shop with the ladder at the base of this tree and Russell is all too excited to hop on up and take the chainsaw to that first major limb while I steady the base.  As the chainsaw cuts threw this wood like butter, I realize that the limb is going to snap off backwards toward the ladder.  Too late.  It snaps and hits the ladder, shaking it while Russell is standing above me with a chainsaw... this looks bad.  But it turned out fine so we clear that limb away from the tree and head up along the trunk toward the top of the tree.

By this time, some pedestrians stop across the street to watch us college kids take on mother nature.  And at that point, I was pretty nervous because when you gain an audience, that means these spectators think that maybe there is a good chance for some entertainment, namely the mangled bloody gore of a chainsaw falling on my skull.  No big deal right?  Anyway, before we start cutting the next limb, Brennan shows up.

I love Brennan, and so that's why Russell and I decided to have him cut the next limb from the top of the ladder.  Some say this is because he wasn't jaded from the near catastrophic events of the first limb, I say it's because there was absolutely no way I was going to cut it.  HAHA! I won this round right? Wrong again.  For some reason I had ended up stabilizing the ladder again.  Also, Brennan was comforted by the fact that there was a trampoline he could bail out onto if need be.  In my mind, the fact that a flying chainsaw could be involved, completely counteracts any safety bonus offered by an elastic jumping apparatus.  Needless to say, the branch hits the ladder again I envision a gruesome death involving Brennan throwing the chainsaw onto the trampoline which bounces it into my (gorgeous) face.  But all was well.

Now at this point, we've just gotten borderline cocky.  Also, I don't believe anyone was in control anymore, there was just like this mob mentality that was like "AWW YEAH, WE'RE GONNA MURDER THIS TREE!"  The intense bloodlust was apparent to "Nice Lady" that we were helping who was obviously at like 1000 points on her "nervous-o-meter".  So we tie a rope to the next limb and cut through that one while pulling the limb away from the house with the rope and praying that it doesn't fall on her house.  Alright, so we're three for three.

Now, Russell just hops off the ladder at the tree's canopy.  He is not on the ladder anymore, he is freestanding in this tree where the top most branches are.  Easily 30 feet in height.  NBD... And he just chops down two more limbs.  At this point, it's 11 o'clock.  We've been here since 8 in the morning andLauren and I have to get to work at noon.  Sidenote, Lauren has been cracking jokes about this tree all morning and it's just been hilarious.  She's funny.

Anyway, tensions are high, we are going to get this tree cut down to size before we leave.  So Russel makes this plan to finish up, and Brennan and I think he's gonna start taking down the trunk in sections which makes perfect sense in this residential area.  Oh what's that Russell?  We're just going to go at it near the base now?  Haha, okay buddy right behind you... heaven knows we haven't pushed our luck enough today....  Keep in mind, this tree is still 40 feet tall, albeit very much naked, but still 40 feet.  It's obviously between two and three feet in diameter at the base and we have a 16-inch saw.  What's the worst that could happen? I won't tell you...

So Todd Balls (Yeah, that's his last name, get over it) is now cutting out this wedge at the base of the tree when Brennan, Lauren, and I decide it's time to take off.  So we peace out with half of the base of this tree gone.  At church the next day, I ask Russell how the rest of it went and he informs me that the tree is still standing, stable, and that they left about a half hour after we had.

Moral of the story:  Haha, yeah, like you could learn anything useful from this...

Anyway, so the score stands at:
Tree: 1     Rag-tag team of determined young men: 1/2 (of a tree base, to be exact...)

That was Saturday.  We've got seven more days to cover, let's go...

Actually, I didn't do too much the rest of the week.  As far as mission papers, I just need a stake president interview now.  For those of you curious, I really don't care where I go, I just want to go foreign speaking.  Hopefully a useful foreign speaking mission, and preferably Spanish.  That's all I have to say about that.

Chloe moved in on Friday! I mean, to her apartment in Tucson for school at the U of A.  It's gonna be a great semester, but I see I'm going to have to babysit her for a little bit.  She is so helpless... but hey, What're you gonna do?  I got the brains, she got the looks.

Anyway, we're back in Yuma now for the week.  Fawn is getting married on Friday at the Newport, CA Temple.  I'm so excited for her because she is absolutely the most gorgeous bride slash worst wedding date chooser ever.  Seriously, school starts next Monday.  I'm not going to enjoy the weekend as much as I could have.  It's just so cool though because she is marrying her best friend from high school and we all grew up in the same ward together and it's like we're already one giant family anyway.  I'm just so happy for her.  But it makes me wonder why I have such relationship issues... whatever though.  This blog isn't about me, it's about you.

So my brother gave me a look of disgust today when I told him I'd never played The Oregon Trail.  Apparently it's a right of passage for anyone born from between 1970 and 1990?  Whatever, I'll get around to it I guess.  There's still time.

I had this idea in my head that I was going to get so many books read this summer that I've been meaning to get to, but I actually just finished my first one this morning.  So that was an epic fail.  However, if you were at all curious, Teaching of the Presidents of The Church: Joseph Smith is an absolutely spell-binding read.  It was just a compelling book through and through.  I won't reveal any spoilers though...

Also,  my Linear Algebra professor has taken it upon herself to get the semester's work started already.  I have homework due the first day of class : \  So I started reading my textbook  to refresh my knowledge, and this math textbook reads like a novel!  I love it!  The character development is simply A+,  there's just so many ways to relate to "x" (Haha, math jokes...)  At least I think school is going to go well this semester, again.  I think I have a good attitude about it.

Anyway, I'm here in Yuma for the week with nothing but Chile Pepper and Mostly Muffins to console me.  Also, we're heading to California early to hit the beach and Knott's Berry Farm before the wedding day as if that could possibly make up for this prison of exile.  My life is so difficult.  So I guess this should hold you over for a while... Hopefully funny stuff keeps happening to me so I have entertaining material to right about.  Thanks for reading!

Deuces

*disclaimer* Despite the overwhelming sense of apathy throughout the "tree failing" ( <-- that right there is an ingenious pun on the activity known as tree felling.) story, I am extremely grateful for service opportunities and had a blast at that adventure.  Also, Russell is a great guy.  Super cool...

I'm Turning Into One of Them...

I swore I wouldn't be like those people that make a blog and go strong for a few days and then a year later it's still that same post.  So let's do this!

Okay, so last Saturday it was just another do-nothing-chill day at work until...... one of my co-workers was playing this little time waster called Bejeweled 2.  Now, I have definitely heard about this little gem of a game (haha, see what I did there? "gem") but I had never actually played it.  I was immediately addicted.  I mean, at least at work, I have real stuff to do when I'm at home (e.g. Rock Band).  Anyway, it soon came up that the furthest any of us cashiers had ever gotten was to level eleven.  Challenge accepted.  I'm happy to report that by Monday's eve, my eyes had been graced by the view of what is none other than the level sixteen view.  'Nuff said.

Now, work is a little ironic because I usually get staffed at the customer service counter, and I like to think that I am the least qualified student employee for that job because I simply have an extremely low tolerance for... I dunno.... people?  Anyway, use either of these phrases as a "conversation" starter when walking up to my register and you will have immediately ticked me off.

Phrase 1: "Well you just look so bored/You look like you need something to do!"

Oh, so you're the knight in shining armor come to rescue me from the tower of nothing-to-do?  Go have someone else ring you up, I'm playing Bejeweled....  What do you want me to say?

Phrase 2: "You just look so excited to be here!"

I know, similar to phrase 1, but even just reading this text, I know you can feel the words drenched in last decade's sarcasm.  I'm obviously not excited to be here because now I have to ring up your useless junk that you absolutely must have while convincing you that my job is fun and that my life is at least satisfactory.  Are you gonna use that razor blade? Because if you don't stop trying to salvage this conversation, I will.

Oooo, that was dark.  Sorry.

Enough of work.  Wait nevermind. One more story.  So, because I work at the BookStore, I get to "borrow" my textbooks for the semester.  Anyway, I really love to go downstairs and walk down aisles of print gathering bundles of pulp that bring me such joy. Not.  So I pre-ordered them so that they would all be pulled for me and I could just come in one day and pick them all up and put it on my book loan account.  Sounds reasonable right?  WRONG! The BookStore is unreasonable.  Turns out, if you pre-order your textbooks, they must charge your student account in order for the books to be pulled.  Whatever, I obviously want to cancel that order right?  A simple call to the friendly textbook department should patch things up in a jiffy.  What do you mean you have to transfer me to another department? You guys are the textbook department, you're filling the orders, cancel mine!  Anyway, the phone was not picked up at the location I was transferred to.  So I take of business the Bert Grabinger way. Here's where it gets real... Yeah, I sent a very polite email with my full name and NetID so that they could cancel my order at their earliest convenience.  Done deal.  I hope.

But this brings me to some email issues I've recently encountered.  A U of A staff listserv thingy got hacked yesterday and an extremely offensive email was sent out to almost EVERYBODY.  Needless to say, if you got an email with a subject line about some goat man or whatever, DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, OPEN IT.  I swear, there are just some things you cannot "un-see."  Best of luck to all of you.

My other run-in with electronic communication this week was a little less unnerving, but still depressing.  In our Priesthood Quorum, we're working on this covert operation to contact everyone whos records we have in the ward in an attempt to clean them up before the semester starts.  I got paired up with one, Brennan Kartchner, a loveable goofball with a taste for flashy rock and shocking theatrics.  I took it upon myself to break down our unfortunate assignee's first wall of defense... with a non-agressive email.  I simply explained the situation to these people in the most polite of tones.  Of course, I got about half of them to respond, however, one lady was out of control rude.  She basically clawed out my hope for humanity with her vicious, vicious words.  Of course, I was nothing but polite in my response but in my mind I was like, "Lady, where do you get off?  I don't know you, you don't know me, how could you harbor such prejudice?"  But then again, I don't pretend to understand anyone's circumstances.  All I'm saying is, One of my relatives better have killed one of your relatives long ago and you recognize my last name.  That is the only reason such sass could even be remotely appropriate.

Enough of internet injustice.  Let's talk about real justice.  That's right, I'm talking about Batman Begins.  My praises can not even begin to do that film justice.  It's truly a masterpiece.  Anyway, my friend, Amy, had never seen it, or the Dark Knight for that matter (I know right!?  I was like, OMGwherehaveyoubeenliving?underastupidrock?)  So we watched it.  Afterward, I walked home.  Let me paint a picture for you.  It's midnight, I live in a sketch part of town, I just watched Batman.  Oh yeah, you but I searching to take on any group of bloodthirsty thugs I can lock eyes with.  But alas, not a soul was to be found on my walk home.  Not even a car drove by.  Whatever.  I heard people closing doors and locking them as I walked by anyway.  They were so scared.

I made a new friend tonight! JK, it's an old friend, but now we're besties.  This girl, Luna, is literally in love with me.  Who can blame her?  Anyway, she could basically have any old pick.  Seriously, she is absolutely gorgeous, and playful too.  I don't know why she would even pay any attention to me... especially after my history with her owner.  Oh yeah, Luna is a dog.  Anyway we just bonded after watching The Dark Knight at Amy's and she would curl up in my lap, I would pat her head, she would paw my fingers, I would lick her fur... you know.  Cute, cuddly stuff.  I'm really happy we finally made a connection because when we first met, she would bark at me all the time.  It got pretty annoying.  But I guess I grow on people.  Dogs too.

I'm going to try to share funny quotes from my life because they are just too good to pass up.  So in closing, here ya go.

Sean: "What's purple in Spanish?"
Amy: "Lilac?"
Bert & Kirstin: ".... : \"   <----- We said that.

Deuces.